January 26, 2012

Call it a lack of internet. I’ve been through a lot lately. Roommates, work, friends. All letting me down. Spinning chaos.

But this boy has been there to hear me complain. Bish. Whine.

And he’s still around.

Building me things.

Showing me his favorite books.

Every two weeks isn’t so bad. I could do this for a while.

November 28, 2011

Everytime he leaves. I become painfully aware that this is not the place I want to be. I want to follow him, but that would be an empty life full of pre-made decisions.

I want to be me.

I already feel too anchored down.

November 24, 2011

I remember spending holidays with you. It was the only time in my life where I felt part of another person’s family… and I was only 17. I’m 20 now, and I haven’t felt that grown up in a relationship since. It’s so different in college. People protect their families like secrets. Like, our lovers are destines to be temporary, so why waste Dad’s time meeting another beau?

This new guy… it’s something between special and ordinary. I pray to God his mother is a strong woman… or else he doesn’t stand a chance.

November 9, 2011

Two months. Two hearts broken. Neither of which were mind.

Seems I got that single lady charm.

But something shiny caught my eye. And I must have it.

If only for the distance, I would fall in love.

Although… I think I still will.

September 21, 2011

I caught one, two, three.

Where the fuck did this game come from?

September 15, 2011

I’m never in one place for long. I’ve got seven hearts for seven seas of emotion and right now I’m riding them all.

Don’t take that litteral in any way.

All it means is that I’m not sure where my heart is. But I think I may have found out last night.

September 13, 2011

What do I want, what do I want, what do I want?

Forgiveness.

Maybe another chance? My best friend.

September 7, 2011

You. The true mister amazing. You are the one helping me through all of this. For your wise words I thank you. I am getting past it day by day.

Who’d have thought. The man I was hung up about, was so scared to lose, thought I couldn’t live without, is the same man who is helping me through the same thing we went through two years ago… crazy.

I think you were meant to be my saviour, not my man.

Thank you, Mr. Ault. You are one heck of a saviour.

September 5, 2011

You never know what you have till it’s gone.

Well, that’s a lie… I knew what I had. I just failed to see how important he was to me. I mistreated him. I pushed him around. I pushed him away. I thought I wanted this.

No. No I didn’t.

September 1, 2011

It took until a big fight to realize how much the Californian might mean to me. But by this point I had already promised a visit to the object of my… well… craziness.

I have come to realize that you love someone to their wits end, but once you find that they lack something of great importance to you—it’s hard to pass up someone who has it… yet hard to let them go.

August 3, 2011

I really wished Cali would have changed something, anything. Reminded me of why I couldn’t, shouldn’t, but did.

All I could think of was that face.

That laugh, that smile, that horribly beautifully tone-deaf singing voice of yours, your hands, your strong arms, that look.

I ran back to you to have you as long as I could allow…

Then I drove away against my own will.

There goes my life.

July 13, 2011

These last days are a good kind of painful.

I WANT TO STAY!!! But if I do, I won’t ever get over this silly little crush I have on this life watching How I Met Your Mother and Disney movies. Awesome hikes, awesome talks and awesome drives with the windows down screaming the songs we both love because we know each other so well—not because we have spent a considerate amount of time together, but because we are so similar.

I think I love you, but what am I so fucking afraid of?

Oh yeah, leaving.

July 8, 2011

I’m sure now.

Sure that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life remembering him.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

“You move so fast crouching tiger.”

I know. I know.

July 7, 2011

Setting aside the fact that I am a horrible liar and that I’ve been bad… I find myself in that wonderfully awkward stage between ‘I just really like fucking you’ and ‘I love you’ with a man I probably won’t ever see again after the 16th…

It’s so painfully delicious to be here right now. I’m getting what I want, and because I have to leave, I don’t have to hurt him, or hurt myself.

But at the same time, Sarte wants to scream in my ears that I don’t have to keave to anywhere. I am in full control of my future… I could stay and pursue something with this beautiful creature that I oddly trust so much. He’s like another half of me. I like his anger, his passion towards the hate in humanity. I’m sick of passive men, and he is treating my illness with his humor, his lust, his angst.

I want to be in love. Even though I have a perfectly safe thing waiting for me in California… I don’t want to be safe. I want to be ruthless and flawed and chased. The trust in his eyes. The thrill that I only trust him to take me anywhere on a bike… the sex. I love the faces he makes. His wink could drop a bird from the sky.

I love him. But I’m not sure if I could forever.

Monogamy isn’t really my thing, these days. But for now, I’m content to commit to wanting only him.

I’ve got tunnel vision, and all I can see is that damn boy.

July 5, 2011

Well… He got damn hurt.

But lucky me, he got drunk and the only shoulder he trusted to cry on was mine. A bittersweet moment. Our friend had betrayed him. That girl had betrayed him. And I am just happy to have him in my arms. Is that bad?