Ode to Evan: Archive

April 17, 2012

I always return most frequently when I have inner turmoil. I’m just so unsure… But I am sure. That’s just what I have to tell myself. I am being weak. Though I want to be free. I just can’t hurt people anymore. Especially him. If only boys and girls could just be friends. God knows I could use more of those.

Apr 17th

April 16, 2012

I was beginning to feel shaky. Like I was unsure of my ability to trust myself with something so precious. But, for some crazy reason, this time was different. I took that feeling and made it into confidence. This guy, he is something else. Something great. I’m sure Mr. Great would approve of him himself. Times are always tough about this time of year. But I couldn’t be more...

Apr 16th

March 2, 2012

I keep thinking about you lately. This guy I’ve met. He is fabulous. I feel doomed to being Ted Moseby. Always looking for the one. At the moment, I’m just waiting for a high-rating episode where something so obvious will tear me apart… He doesn’t own a yellow umbrella, so we know he can’t be the mother… father… rah. His friends were my friends. Until one...

Mar 2nd

January 26, 2012

Call it a lack of internet. I’ve been through a lot lately. Roommates, work, friends. All letting me down. Spinning chaos. But this boy has been there to hear me complain. Bish. Whine. And he’s still around. Building me things. Showing me his favorite books. Every two weeks isn’t so bad. I could do this for a while.

Jan 26th

November 28, 2011

Everytime he leaves. I become painfully aware that this is not the place I want to be. I want to follow him, but that would be an empty life full of pre-made decisions. I want to be me. I already feel too anchored down.

Nov 28th

November 24, 2011

I remember spending holidays with you. It was the only time in my life where I felt part of another person’s family… and I was only 17. I’m 20 now, and I haven’t felt that grown up in a relationship since. It’s so different in college. People protect their families like secrets. Like, our lovers are destines to be temporary, so why waste Dad’s time meeting...

Nov 24th

November 9, 2011

Two months. Two hearts broken. Neither of which were mind. Seems I got that single lady charm. But something shiny caught my eye. And I must have it. If only for the distance, I would fall in love. Although… I think I still will.

Nov 9th

September 21, 2011

I caught one, two, three. Where the fuck did this game come from?

Sep 21st

September 15, 2011

I’m never in one place for long. I’ve got seven hearts for seven seas of emotion and right now I’m riding them all. Don’t take that litteral in any way. All it means is that I’m not sure where my heart is. But I think I may have found out last night.

Sep 16th

September 13, 2011

What do I want, what do I want, what do I want? Forgiveness. Maybe another chance? My best friend.

Sep 13th

September 7, 2011

You. The true mister amazing. You are the one helping me through all of this. For your wise words I thank you. I am getting past it day by day. Who’d have thought. The man I was hung up about, was so scared to lose, thought I couldn’t live without, is the same man who is helping me through the same thing we went through two years ago… crazy. I think you were meant to be my...

Sep 8th

September 5, 2011

You never know what you have till it’s gone. Well, that’s a lie… I knew what I had. I just failed to see how important he was to me. I mistreated him. I pushed him around. I pushed him away. I thought I wanted this. No. No I didn’t.

Sep 5th

September 1, 2011

It took until a big fight to realize how much the Californian might mean to me. But by this point I had already promised a visit to the object of my… well… craziness. I have come to realize that you love someone to their wits end, but once you find that they lack something of great importance to you—it’s hard to pass up someone who has it… yet hard to let them go.

Sep 2nd

August 3, 2011

I really wished Cali would have changed something, anything. Reminded me of why I couldn’t, shouldn’t, but did. All I could think of was that face. That laugh, that smile, that horribly beautifully tone-deaf singing voice of yours, your hands, your strong arms, that look. I ran back to you to have you as long as I could allow… Then I drove away against my own will. There...

Aug 4th

July 13, 2011

These last days are a good kind of painful. I WANT TO STAY!!! But if I do, I won’t ever get over this silly little crush I have on this life watching How I Met Your Mother and Disney movies. Awesome hikes, awesome talks and awesome drives with the windows down screaming the songs we both love because we know each other so well—not because we have spent a considerate amount of time...

Jul 13th

July 8, 2011

I’m sure now. Sure that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life remembering him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. “You move so fast crouching tiger.” I know. I know.

Jul 9th

July 7, 2011

Setting aside the fact that I am a horrible liar and that I’ve been bad… I find myself in that wonderfully awkward stage between ‘I just really like fucking you’ and ‘I love you’ with a man I probably won’t ever see again after the 16th… It’s so painfully delicious to be here right now. I’m getting what I want, and because I have to...

Jul 7th

July 5, 2011

Well… He got damn hurt. But lucky me, he got drunk and the only shoulder he trusted to cry on was mine. A bittersweet moment. Our friend had betrayed him. That girl had betrayed him. And I am just happy to have him in my arms. Is that bad?

Jul 5th

July 1, 2011

100 posts… which isn’t much for most blogs… but to have spilt my feelings to/about/for you 100 times… Actually, that still isn’t a lot. I can’t get over how much I’ve utilized you lately though. I’ve been all about boys… but it seems I can’t be all about the ones who care. It’s the weirdest situation… my heart is breaking...

Jul 2nd

June 29, 2011

Well… I think I’m done with this hole spurt of badness. Soon, two will be gone. And that face that I can’t get out of my head… well his new lady doesn’t even want him, and our dearest friend is playing it out like a goddamn expiriment. Saying things like, “He had it coming to him… each gets his own… Threesome?” But seriously, I can’t...

Jun 29th

June 24, 2011

You’re getting married cool. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t still love you. On another note, this roll that I’m on… I relapsed… to the man that stuck a needle full of rubbing alcohol into my heart. The burning, the choking and loss of breath. I was dying slowly, drunkedly, and painfully for this man… Then I thought I could pull through it, be...

Jun 24th

June 22, 2011

I am on a fucking roll. Three broken hearts to my one seems to be the going ratio. This has become a game to me… this isn’t right, but it feels so satisfying… As if men are numbers, I’m out to win the fucking lottery.

Jun 22nd

June 20, 2011

I’ve been utilizing you an awful lot lately… and for the saddest of reasons: you are the only peson I can be completely honest with these days. I had a dream last night… that I was in a dorm with many elevators… I was trying to meet up with a friend in some part of some mall… and the only clear and resounding thought I remember from the dream was, “His eyes are...

Jun 20th

June 16, 2011

I am so tied up in lies that I can’t stand it. Friends and secrets and sex… I just can’t do this. I want to drop everything and live in a tent off the coast of New Zealand. I was bad… again. Something about my lust I just can’t… I am bad. I need a new beginning, a rebirth, and to slap a manwhore in the fucking soul.

Jun 16th

June 15, 2011

I can’t believe this feeling. My rib cage feels like it is going to tear open and a thousand black butterflies are going to flee from my pain stricken heart. I want to crawl undersomething, burry myself in a hillside. I didn’t even know what I did at the time. It was harmless. I wanted to touch his soft skin. And he let me. He wanted my body. And I let him. I thought that was just...

Jun 15th

June 9, 2011

I’m officially a terrible person. And the worst part is, I don’t care. My mind is so full of ethics of pleasure and pain that it makes no sense to not be selfish. Oh well.

Jun 9th

June 4, 2011

You really done it this time. I have all the control in the world. But sometimes I just do what I want, believe what I want to, and deny the rest. However, it is that time of year—for lust and love… just how I wish I had no prior engagements… I could easily just rush next year. But then… I know I will regret it. Because my chase isn’t long term. But my commitments...

Jun 4th

May 26, 2011

I’m a terrible person. Falling in and out of love. What I did to you, I’m sorry. When I lost you, I was probably ready to lose you, and I fear I am near to losing another. My eyes wander, and I am ashamed. But not really.

May 26th

March 17, 2011

HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY! Wouldn’t you know I’m doing stuff with my life? I’m hosting students, leading students, running to represent students in the Senate. I’ve entered design contests, and bought a plane ticket to California. And I might go greek. But I’m not too sure about that yet. I miss you, of course. But not as much as I used to. I have a wonderful...

Mar 17th

January 25, 2011

I bet you knew I would regress. I always do, this time of year. I can’t help but miss you. No one could love me like you did. And I’m not talking about the sex. Because that was the smallest part of our relationship. I’m talking about the letters, and the poems, and all the time you gave to me. You listened. And sometimes you didn’t have to, because you just...

Jan 26th

January 3, 2011

Where to start? Merry Christmas. Happy New year. And I’m in love. With a man. With the same name as you. I warned myself. That it might make me miss you getting to know him. But you’re two different people, and maybe that’s why I’m so in love. He doesn’t woe me about the faulty nature of mankind. He doesn’t tell me every chance he gets that the world is a...

Jan 4th

November 23, 2010

Happy you know what. You are in town. But I won’t see your face. Because you have her and I have him, it would be so inappropriate. Thanks for wishing me a happy birthday. I’m sorry what I said. But I cant take it back. You were an instant gratification kind of choice. I wish I wouldn’t have spent you so quickly. And that is the truth.

Nov 23rd

November 15, 2010

Longer and longer. I can go so long now without finding the dire need to reach out to an imaginary you. Sometimes I see pictures of her and I get jealous. But, you’re not the only one who has moved on, and that’s something I frequently fail to realise. You still have this power over me though—like how if I was so certain with you could I ever be certain about anything or...

Nov 15th

September 8, 2010

You may not be here. You may not be the reason. But an aspect of you is a clue to why I have left behind a life I was so sure of three weeks ago. Then, I wanted to chop down trees and make a cabin. Now, I want to watch the man I’ve fallen for draw them and talk about aspects of trees that I have never even thought of before. I’ve gone wild. I’ve been led off my set path. ...

Sep 9th

August 29, 2010

I’m so good. Was so good. You can’t faze me. But your name can.

Aug 29th

June 26, 2010

I’m not sure. Wow, I’ve said that so many times here- ‘I’m not sure.’ I wanted to go see you in Seattle, even though a trainwreck could’ve come of it. But things didn’t happen our way. Instead, they happened mine and Jordan’s way. My trip went on uninterrupted by your company, and, like in a video game, life took one last hack of an ax at the...

Jun 26th

May 23, 2010

I have found some wonderful things. Things that you never could have given me. Like indifference in love. You made me complicated. Happy 23rd.

May 24th

May 11, 2010

See how long I can go without you? I’m getting better. So much so, I think I have actually fallen in love again. But I don’t think that’s enough. You’re dead to me. The Evan I knew doesn’t exist anymore. I’m so bitter to that fact. But I don’t think that’s enough.

May 12th

March 17, 2010

Kiss me. I’ve been naughty and I have worn red instead of green. On purpose.

Mar 17th

March 13, 2010

I don’t think I’ll ever find a better love than you… Oh, what am I to do? I searched the world five times thru. I don’t think I’ll ever find a better love than you.

Mar 14th

March 3, 2010

When I think about you, there are usually two possible outcomes: 1. I get really happy 2. I get really sad There is a third thing which rarely happens, but today it did 3. I get really stupid

Mar 4th

February 14, 2010

Well look at that date… it’s Valentine’s day. A while ago I sent you a picture of some facebook quiz that so ironicly enough said you should be my Valentine. Then you told me that you would be my Valentine if I would be yours. Well. Cool. I guess I don’t have to feel like a loser today. Although, I’m not exactly going out or eating chocolate. I guess I’ll...

Feb 14th

February 4, 2010

It’s becoming more and more plausible that we may end up together once more. Maybe it’s because it’s almost v-day and we both have no one to love. Or maybe you’re waiting for me too, and you’re tired of hiding it. And maybe my real name is princess consuela banana hammock. It’s not.

Feb 4th

January 30, 2010

Somedays, I just can’t shake the feeling that one day we will meet again, grab an emerald smoothie and chat for a bit. We’ll catch up on all the things we missed in each other’s lives, and laugh and cry together. I will look into your eyes, like I have so many times before. You will look into mine. We will fall in love all over again. And we will go on to live life as if we were...

Jan 31st

January 18, 2010

I’m back where I always land—in solitude. I’m back where I always sit missing you. That rhymes.

Jan 18th

January 12, 2010

Happy late new year. Well, Canadian just wants to be friends. And he felt the need to reiterrate it twice. He must be some conceited asshole. I thought I found someone like you. But I guess not. I guess I get to go sit down in that chair on the side of the gym and just… Wait for someone to ask me to dance. I hate waiting. Come home.

Jan 13th

December 31, 2009

We he’s back. And we’ve talked. And still no news for the hell is going on. But we went to the Ram after work and didn’t give me a hug when I left. Everyone there supposedly got mad at him for being that way. I texted him my new number and he told me he would call me, because there’s something he wants to say. Then he called, drunk (because he’s Ben) and said...

Dec 31st

December 29, 2009

Well, I haven’t heard from him yet. I think I’m going crazy. He got back yesterday and called the restaurant, then I texted him after to see if I could help him out since we were really busy when he called and I was unable to get a manager for him. No text. I’m overreacting, I know. But with nothing else to do, I can’t get him outta my stupid head. Give me somethin to do,...

Dec 29th

December 27, 2009

I think I really like this guy. I can tell by the way I’m writing. If nothing else, he’s allowed me to completely let go of you, sir. Today I wrote a couple of things, and then realized that they applied to our relationship (or the end of it). They were about forgiveness, and the completeness of logic that would go with it. They were about humanity, and humanities flakiness, and how...

Dec 28th

December 25, 2009

Murry xpu.

Dec 26th