July 7, 2011

Setting aside the fact that I am a horrible liar and that I’ve been bad… I find myself in that wonderfully awkward stage between ‘I just really like fucking you’ and ‘I love you’ with a man I probably won’t ever see again after the 16th…

It’s so painfully delicious to be here right now. I’m getting what I want, and because I have to leave, I don’t have to hurt him, or hurt myself.

But at the same time, Sarte wants to scream in my ears that I don’t have to keave to anywhere. I am in full control of my future… I could stay and pursue something with this beautiful creature that I oddly trust so much. He’s like another half of me. I like his anger, his passion towards the hate in humanity. I’m sick of passive men, and he is treating my illness with his humor, his lust, his angst.

I want to be in love. Even though I have a perfectly safe thing waiting for me in California… I don’t want to be safe. I want to be ruthless and flawed and chased. The trust in his eyes. The thrill that I only trust him to take me anywhere on a bike… the sex. I love the faces he makes. His wink could drop a bird from the sky.

I love him. But I’m not sure if I could forever.

Monogamy isn’t really my thing, these days. But for now, I’m content to commit to wanting only him.

I’ve got tunnel vision, and all I can see is that damn boy.